Today, the guy who mugged me in New Orleans plead guilty and got 15 years. This is a long time. In return for this time, he got a pink canvas Dolly Parton tote, a crappy Nokia cell phone, and about $100 in cash. Hardly seems like a fair trade. Then again, he did clock me with a gun, point the gun in my friend James’ face, and prompt at least two people in our trio to believe, however temporarily, that James would be dead, soon. This is a story that will be told eventually, but not now. Don’t have time. Don’t have energy. My brother’s in town. Haven’t seen him in ages. By the way, don’t worry about me; all that mugging stuff sounds heavy, but what you don’t realize is all the good things that have come from that moment. And the good things are kind of amazing.

But I have a question. It’s a question I need your help with. Can you help me? I need to give a gift to someone, and I don’t know what to give him. It’s the assistant district attorney who argued this case, who met with me in New Orleans (during a pirate convention at my hotel, where we discussed details of the case with drunken swashbucklers in our periphery), who appealed the case to the fourth circuit after we lost the pretrial hearing, who worked and worked so that he could call me one evening at 6pm, out of nowhere, and tell me this case was closed. Well, that is not the only reason he worked so hard. There is also something about justice and service and a soul-deep love for New Orleans. But like I said, the story’s for another time. For now: What do you get someone to thank them for something so big? Somehow an Amazon gift card does not do the trick.