ere at Sarahhepola.com, we are already getting correspondence from readers about our interviews with two Mormon teens. This is all very instructional, seeing as how we had always viewed Mormonism as an eccentric but essentially benign religion populated by smiling people with an excess of brochures. Hmmm. Interesting. Today, in the second and final part of our interview with two teen Mormon girls, Olive Oxymoron tells us about the fast life in Southern Idaho, and her plans to one day smoke a cigarette and see an R-rated movie.

How did you become a Mormon? In other words, how did this happen to you?
My parents' families were both pre-westward-migration Mormons. My dad's family came over from mostly Norway and Sweden. Part of my mom's family came to the U.S. from the Isle of Man after joining the church, but other ancestors were already here. They inherited the religion and believe that they were born into the faith because they were valiant fighters in a great war that happened in heaven before any of us were born.

What do you think of Joseph Smith? And who would play him in the movie?
Joseph Smith was evil incarnate--a little insane, but more evil. Sort of like Charles Manson, only slightly better looking.

I would cast either David Spade, because he is funny, or the guy who plays PeeWee Herman [Ed. note: Paul Reubens] because he is also funny.

What is the craziest thing about Mormonism?
The craziest thing about Mormonism is the garbage that supposedly educated and intelligent people will believe. Take, for example, the concept of Patriarchal Blessings. There is an officer in every area of the Church who is known as the Patriarch. His job is to give Patriarchal Blessings. He lays his hands on his victims' heads one at a time and tells their fortunes. These fortunes rarely come true, but that is the fault of the victims, not of the Patriarch. The problem -- if the fortune and the reality fail to match-- is that the victim sinned and denied himself or herself the promises of the blessing. The Patriarch also declares what tribe of Israel from which you descend. Usually they say the person is from the tribe of Ephraim, but once in a while one of the more senile Patriarchs blurts out a really obscure tribe. I'm supposed to be from the tribe of Dan, while everyone else in the history of my family has been from Ephraim. Some people might question whether or not my parents picked up the wrong baby at the hospital. I look just like my little sister except older, and our eight brothers look as much like us as males can look like females. No baby swap occurred. Neither did my mother have a fling with the Maytag repairman. She is what you would kindly refer to as frigid. She had 10 kids. It is therefore safe to assume that she has had sex exactly 10 times in her life. I know that all kids think this of their parents, but it is the gospel truth in my mother's case.

Why are Mormons so nice?
Mormons are nice?!?!?!?!? Where in hell are these nice Mormons? I've never met a nice Mormon over the age of 21 except for [Lucy Latter-Day Saint]’s mother, who doesn't really count because she's a convert. If they seem nice, it's an act. They have ulterior motives.

What is the worst thing about being a Mormon?
The worst thing about being Mormon is that many Mormons have too many children and stretch their families' resources too far. They think having more kids than they can provide for makes them righteous. My father has a reasonably high-paying job for this area, but my parents have 10 kids. The boys are all supposed to go on missions, which will cost roughly $15,000 per boy. Because of this, they can afford to pay very little for college. They say that they will pay the tuition (only to BYU or BYU-Idaho -- worse than hell) as long as we remain on academic scholarship, but that they won't pay for housing. Housing at BYU is costly, because you have to live either in a dorm or in church-approved housing. It's pretty much a monopoly. So if I want to go to college, which I do, I'll have to finance it mostly with loans. This wouldn't have been necessary if my parents had stopped at five kids or some other reasonable number. I have enough credits to graduate from high school after December, but my parents are making me stick around until I'm almost 18 because they need me to work in my dad's office. If they had to pay someone to do my job, less money would go to the mission fund.

What’s the best thing about Mormonism?
The best thing about Mormonism is the fact that my parents have lived such sheltered lives that they're totally naïve, and it's really easy fool them. I don't feel guilty being deceitful, because I'm not going out and getting stoned or fornicating (yet). I just like to use the computer on Sunday or sneak a snack during the once-a-month 24-hour fast. When I turn 17, I'm going to watch an R-rated movie as well. Wow. Life in southern Idaho is fascinating, isn't it?

What does a Mormon teen do to rebel? I mean, other than reading Sarahhepola.com?
I already told you how I rebel. I might consider smoking a cigarrette, but they're not sold in my town, and I can't afford to buy them anyway.

What is the one thing you want us to know about you, maybe to assure us that two Mormon teens growing up in southern Idaho aren’t totally insane?
The sanest thing about me is that I am planning to escape both this Godforsaken place and Mormonism. I'm going to a state-run school, then once I have a degree, I'll work for a few years, then move to California, New York, Maryland, or Illinois for law school or a master's program.

Mitt Romney: Hot or not?
Mitt Romney looks like a corpse.