bout two weeks ago, I wrote something on this site about niche communities and fandom. I’m too busy to find it right now. You’re welcome to root around in those archives over there. Not long after it posted, I received an email from two teen Mormon girls living in southern Idaho, asking me to write about Mormonism. I have a lot of thoughts about Mormonism, actually, but I suspected that, in this mighty trio, I was not the expert.

I asked my new friends to submit to an interview about Mormonism. I grew up in suburban Dallas, and my childhood of arcades and shopping malls has been chronicled by countless teen movies and nostalgia pieces, only 65% of them on this site. Their lives, however, are stories less commonly told. My new friends were game, of course. I knew they would be.

Because there are two of them, the interview will appear in two parts. Because we must protect their anonymity, they came up with superhero names. Our first interview is with someone we will call Lucy Latter-Day Saint. Tomorrow, Olive Oxymoron sounds off.

A few things, before we begin: First, I did almost no editing on these responses, and I can’t even say that about most professional writers I work with. Second, I now know how to stick it to the Mormon Church. Who knew Sarahhepola.com could be so informative?

How did you become a Mormon? In other words, how did this happen to you?
My father is something like a sixth-generation Mormon. His (I can't remember how many greats) grandfather joined The Church in New York before the death of Joseph Smith, and traveled with Brigham Young to Utah. My mother is a convert. She was Catholic before. She converted when she met my father.

What do you think of Joseph Smith? And who would play him in the movie?
I can't quite get inside Joseph Smith's head. I don't know if he was truly crazy and believed his own hype, or if he was just a con artist. (I tend to lean toward the con-artist side, although to have even dreamed up the stuff that he came up with, he either had a terrifically dry sense of humor or he was beyond delusional. ) In my opinion, there is credible evidence that most of his "writings" were not, in fact, his writings. Neighbors of his from his childhood reportedly indicated he was always creative with the truth, although The Church tries to say this stuff was invented to destroy his credibility a century later. Joseph Smith would best be played by Alec Baldwin, who is a little old, but Hollywood does wonders with makeup. Alec Baldwin always seems so egomaniacal regardless of what role he plays; this trait would serve him well in portraying Joseph Smith.

What is the craziest thing about Mormonism?
The holy undergarments. Any Mormon who has been through what is called the "endowment" ceremony in the temple (which isn't talked about much because it is "sacred") is supposed to wear these sacred undergarments for life. There are a variety of styles, and they come in, I think, cotton or nylon, and they come from the neck almost to the knee.

They are butt-ugly, but they serve a purpose. For one thing, they are unsexy. Mormons already have too many kids. If they didn't wear such ugly underwear, there would almost surely be a lot more Mormon kids. Secondly, the ugly underwear keeps Mormons couples faithful to one another, because they would never let anyone other than their spouses see them in the ugly rags, and the Lord has commanded them not to take them off (except for baths, marital sex, etc., they even have to sleep in them).

Why are Mormons so nice?
Mormons are so nice because they are trying to entice you into being one of them. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

What is the worst thing about being a Mormon?
The worst thing about being a Mormon is early-morning seminary. For most churches, seminary is where you go if you want to study to become an ordained minister. For Mormons, seminary is for high school kids, whether they want to go or not. I attend Early Morning Seminary at 6am four days a week. The Church is attempting mind control through sleep deprivation.

What’s the best thing about Mormonism?
It's not easy to think of something entirely good when it comes to Mormonism. Maybe it's that, as long as your mother isn't one of the nutritionist nutcase Mormons, the food is good. Many Mormon women are outstanding cooks.

What does a Mormon teen do to rebel? I mean, other than reading Sarahhepola.com?

A rebellious Mormon has a few ways of sticking it to The Church:

#1 Take the Sacrament (communion to everyone else in the western world) with your left hand. This is considered disrespectful even if you are left-handed (I am), because Jesus sits at the right hand of God, so that somehow translates to only picking up the bread and water (I felt gypped when I learned that other churches have GRAPE JUICE; G@#$%^& D^%&!! cheap ba$tard Mormons) with your right hand.

#2 Don't pay a full and honest tithing, but lie and say that you did. Your worthiness according to LDS church authorities is determined more than anything by whether or not you are a full tithe payer. At the end of each year you have to declare whether or not you are. I lie. It's none of their business how much I earn (not much, I can tell you), and if I want to give part of it to the Democratic Party instead of The Church, it's none of their concern.

#3 Access the internet. The Church says "The glory of God is intelligence." Why should I limit my glory by reading only Church propaganda?

#4. Once I made these really tasty brownies that had COFFEE in the recipe for a Church young women's function. (I rode my bicycle to a town 15 miles away to buy the coffee so no sales clerk would tell my parents. I live in a police state.) If those junior Molly Mormons had known, they would have thought it was just as bad as eating brownies laced with marijuana. The pigs ate them up. I didn't have the heart to tell them what sinners they were for eating coffee.

What is the one thing you want us to know about you, maybe to assure us that two Mormon teens growing up in southern Idaho aren’t totally insane?
Proof of my sanity is difficult to provide. I took the SAT in June before my junior year and scored 700, 650, and 750 respectively, which is not in the genius range, but is a he!! of a lot better than most of the zombies at BYU would have scored. (They take the ACT, but my point remains that they suck.) So I'm not an idiot. But am I sane? My physics teacher, who is my Bishop's first counselor, thinks not. I call him Brother Shithead. The fact that such a loser thinks I'm playing less than a full eighty-eight keys is probably a greater testament to my sanity than anything I could ever offer up in my own defense.

Mitt Romney: Hot or not?
Mitt Romney looks like Brother Shithead. Not.