he Fountains of Wayne have a song called “Fire Island” on Welcome, Interstate Managers. It goes: “All the kids from school / Will be naked in the pool / While our parents are on Fire Island.” And it’s impossible for me to think about Fire Island without singing that song in my head, which means I’ll be singing it a lot this weekend, as The Morning News
is having its annual retreat on Fire Island. This is the time when we writers get together, drink to the brink of forgetfulness, break shit, make up dirty sex-word games, and whine about how it always rains on our retreat. (It always does. Every. Single. Year.) Also, we play a game called Mafia. Do you know it? It is weird.

Anyway, there are several nice things about Fire Island, and no, I’m not just talking about the gays. (Though they are awesome!) There are no cars on Fire Island. It's a good place to eat ice cream. And everybody’s house has a name. Like “Old Rascal” or “Evelyn” or some shit. Oh, and there are deer. Lots and lots of deer. Welcome to my life, lyme disease! Anyway, whatever you do this weekend, I hope that all the kids from school will be naked in the pool. I know we will be.