haracters:
Craig: Supernice, patient, generous, surprisingly strong, bad-ass friend willing to help me move.
Sarah: Needs a haircut.

Scene 1: Lessons in U-Haul, Part 1
Setting: 155th and Frederick Douglas, under a bridge, streets littered with broken glass and hypodermic needles. Look very hard. Do you see a U-Haul sign? You do not. That’s weird, isn’t it? Isn’t that weird? How franchises have no quality control whatsoever and can actually be, like, a junk yard with a bunch of abandoned vehicles and one rental truck? Anyway, old black man with glass eye approaches.

Craig: Is this … U-Haul?
Old Man: Van’s gone.
Craig: But she reserved it.
Old Man: Van’s gone. Left this morning.
Sarah: But I reserved it. I used my credit card.
Old Man: Van’s gone.
Sarah: [bursts into tears]

Scene 2: Lessons in U-Haul, Part 2
Setting: 132nd and Broadway. An obvious U-Haul store: There is a sign and everything. The employees even wear uniforms which seems, at this moment, the very pink of professionalism.

Nice Woman: [unspooling giant contract] I just need you to initial these 15 places, and here is your estimated cost.
Sarah: [sound of jaw hitting floor]
Nice Woman: Make sure you get it back by 6:30. There’s a late fee of $150.
Sarah: [to audience]So, apparently, all that “$19.95 for an in-town move!” is total and complete bullshit, because U-Haul charges you $3 for every mile you drive. And so despite the fact that I’m moving only about 15 miles away, the total for the rental will be $150, which is actually nothing at all like $19.95. Oh, and also? I will not return this van by 6:30pm. Of course.

Scene 3: Lessons in U-Haul, Part 3
Setting: Underground parking garage.

Craig: Why don’t we just slip into this parking garage while we grab some lunch?
Sarah: Sounds good to me.
Craig: Surely this giant cargo van will fit into this cramped underground garage. Huh, is that the low-hanging air ducts scraping ominously along the roof? What do you think I should do?
Sarah: Keep going!
Craig: Yes, I think I’ll keep going as the cement ceiling drops lower and lower, narrowing to a terrifying perspective point and increasing the certainty that we will get stuck.
Parking Lot Attendant: What the hell are you doing? You can park that van in here.
Craig: Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I’ll awkwardly maneuver a careful 20-point turn.
Sarah: Hmm. It’s a good thing we both drive Hondas.

Scene 4: Feeling Like a Hamburger
Setting: 134th and Amsterdam. Dominican neighborhood. Lots of 99-cent shops and clothing stores with merchandise out front.

Craig: I’m feeling like a hamburger.
Sarah: Sounds perfect.
Craig: That Sports Bar probably had a good hamburger.
Sarah: If there’s one thing a sports bar has, it’s a hamburger.

The Sports Bar is actually named “J.J.’s Sport Bar” (no “S”), which should have been some kind of indicator. At the bar, a dozen middle-aged Dominican men in baseball caps are watching the Yankees game and yelling. The “Sport Bar” menu is giant, like four pages long, and contains such delicacies as conch stew, a dish whose translation is, simply, “Ear,” and a dozen house specialities, each of them based on mashed green plantains (mashed green plantains with chicken, mashed green plantains with shrimp, etc.). You know what the menu doesn’t have? A hamburger. I order a Cuban sandwich and eat the shit out of it. I am starving.

Scene 5: Have I Mentioned There’s a Lot of Crazy People in New York?
Setting: 105th and Riverside, on a beautiful block of stately white townhomes and bright, blossoming hanging baskets.

Craig: Ready to get the incredibly heavy bed you just bought and maneuver it down four flights of stairs?
Sarah: I sure am! Wow, I actually got out of the U-Haul without letting the car door hit that SUV parked on the curb.
Woman at Window: Don’t hit my SUV!
Sarah: I didn’t, actually. I was just commenting that I didn’t.
Woman at Window: [coming downstairs and standing on sidewalk, where she will remain until we drive away] You can’t be too careful.
Sarah: So you’re just gonna stand there? For 30 minutes? Because you’re one of those batty old women who has nothing to do on a gorgeous Saturday afternoon but make sure that people moving an incredibly heavy mattress don’t accidentally ding your precious fucking car, which happens to be, like, at least five years old?
No-Longer-So-Aptly-Named Woman at Window: Exactly.

Scene 6: Hustle and Flow
Setting: My apartment in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

Craig: If we want to have a prayer of getting this truck back by 6:30pm, we only have 30 minutes to get all this crap—the bed, the coffee table, the bag leaking whole-wheat pasta—up those stairs. Are you ready to hustle?
Sarah: Bring it!

Scene 7: Oh, It Was Brought
Setting: Stairs of apartment

Sarah: [wheezing, panting, red-faced, using every possible ounce of strength to lift incredibly heavy mattress] Hrrruh.
Craig: Just a couple more steps. You can do it. You OK?
Sarah: [seeing spots now, uncertain where voice is coming from] Hrrruh.

Scene 8-24: Crosstown Traffic
Setting: Front seat of U-Haul van.

Note to directors: These scenes should be short, without dialogue, a quick lights-up, lights-down in which our heroes have moved five inches each time, creeping along the stage until they finally make it across. This should take approximately forever.

Scene 25: Lessons in U-Haul, Part 4
Setting: 132th and Broadway. Except this time, the same U-Haul store we saw earlier is now shuttered with a big metal door.

Sarah: It’s closed. Where do we put the car?
Craig: I don’t know. I think I threw out my back.
Sarah: I think I broke my knees.
Woman Emerging From Store and Not Altogether Happy About It: Come back tomorrow, 9am.
Sarah: Don’t you want the car?
WEFSANAHAI: We're closed. Come back tomorrow.
Sarah: With the car? I really don't need it anymore.
WEFSANAHAI: [weighing pros and cons of taking her bad day out on a total stranger and reaping meager satisfaction from enforcing ridiculous rules]
Sarah: Seriously. I’d much rather you take it.
WEFSANAHAI: [conscience winning over] Drive it in the lot. Come back tomorrow, 9am.
Sarah: [to audience] And what’s even better—she didn’t charge me the late fee! How much do I love this woman? A whole big bunch! So the moral is that, even though moving day was hard and my apartment is now littered with bags and I’m near-broke following an outrageously expensive trip to Bed, Bath, & Beyond, there are still good, decent people in New York City. And now, I am one of them.