very day, I get lost. I know this will happen—the way I know I’ll feel sleepy after a big bowl of pasta or puke after Jagermeister shots. There is simply some blind spot where my sense of direction should be. I have this stubborn notion that whatever direction I’m currently pointing in is North. And so, because I know this about myself, I try to be prepared: I leave early for any appointment; I bring maps and notes; I leave behind a trail of Reese’s Pieces. But I get lost anyway. Which is fine, because it allows me to explore. Today I got lost in Chelsea, where I passed the real-life West Elm store. Next I passed the Hold Everything store. And because these are stores I only thought existed in some imaginary mail-order universe, I felt like I’d crawled out of Plato’s cave, like before now I had only seen the shadows of affordably priced furniture reality.

Anyway, for whatever reason, people kept asking me for directions. This rarely happens, but I must have been exuding a particular confidence and/or pleasant musk. And I shouldn’t—really shouldn’t—try to give directions to anyone, ever, but I was in such a giddy mood, and I was so flattered to be considered an expert, that I kept trying to help. And so I misled a timid group of Hispanic women on their way to Brooklyn. And I totally mixed up this Italian couple looking for the subway. And I completely bluffed my way through a conversation about whether or not the B train connects to the L (My response: “Oh no, you have to take the G.” Which is a complete and total fucking guess.) And I feel bad about this. I really do. I just got carried away, and it wasn’t until I was blocks away from these people that I realized I said “left” when I meant “right” or I said “10th Avenue” when I meant “10th Street” and by the time the fourth person stopped to ask for directions, I simply shrugged and shook my head in a “no-speaka-Engrish” kinda way. I’d done enough damage for one day. So I headed back to the West Elm furniture store to do a little browsing. And I promptly got lost.