kay so I cheated. I couldn't bear spending the night in my car, so I borrowed some money from my folks and booked a room at the Travelodge on West Broad Street. I needed a plug and a coffee machine and, if at all possible, I needed to see the MTV Video Music Awards. See, I'm an awards show junkie. Pathetic? You betcha! I go all flushed and giddy with the People's Choice Awards and the Daytime Emmys and the SAG Awards, where only one in three recipients bothers to show. And the MTV Video Music Awards Show is the trashiest, cussingest one of them all. Sure, they've tried to class up the act, but as long as your show features Pink flipping off a camera and Eminem threatening to bitchslap Moby, it will never be respectable. Thank God. So if, unlike me, you didn't spend last night hypnotized and drooling with your laptop nearby, here are a few of the choicest lines from last night's MTV Video Music Awards, hosted by one adorable Jimmy Fallon or, as I like to call him, "Mr. Yum."

"Michael Jackson looks great for 44, doesn't he? Between you and me, I think he's had some work done." - Jimmy Fallon

"Thanks, Mary Kate and Ashley."
Jack White of The White Stripes, accepting the award for "Best Breakthrough Video" from, of all people, the Olsen twins

"David Lee Roth: So what's your favorite Linkin Park song, Sam?
Sammy Hagar: I don't know any Linkin Park songs, Dave."
-- Van Halen lead singers David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar, just prior to presenting the award for "Best Rock Video" to Linkin Park for "In the End"

"This is so hard because it's such a reality check, because there's only two of us up here. And she's so missed."
- Chile of TLC, holding back tears after the announcement of an annual Lisa Lopes scholarship.

"I'm too drunk for this."
-- Pink, accepting the award for Best Female Rock Video for "Get This Party Started"

"I think I'm drunker than Pink."
-- Michelle Branch, accepting the Viewers' Choice award for "Everything to Me"

"Last year at this time, it's very possible that I would have been outside ticketing all your cars."
-- Former Mayor Rudy Giuliani, introducing Sheryl Crow

"I have to do something kind of cheezy. Kidd Kraddick in the morning from Dallas, Texas, wanted me to tell you hello."
-- winner of the "Last Fan Standing" award to N Sync. The woman, who won the chance to present the Viewer's Choice Award, used her brief window on America to relay a message from a morning DJ.

"I know you want us to play more. But that's all the time we have, so you can turn off now."
-- The Hives lead singer, before dropping the mic and raising one hand in the most splendid of finishes

"Poor Moby. How could Eminem call you a 36 year old bald man? You're 35."
-- Triumph the Insult Dog, in a comic bit regarding Moby's longstanding feud with Eminem, who seemed to be struggling not to slug the puppet dog and was held back by two large men in his entourage

"Keep booing. Keep booing, little girl. I will hit a man with glasses."
-- Eminem to Moby during his second of three acceptance speeches

"Y'all gotta excuse me. I been going through some anger management classes."
-- a visibly humbled Eminem, who offered sincere thanks to MTV and his fans upon winning most major awards of the evening (but failed to ever mention the director of his "Without Me" video, Joseph Kahn)

"They're like one of my favorite bands of all time. Guns N Fucking Roses!"
-- Jimmy Fallon, being completely adorable once again and introducing the show's surprise finale, featuring Axl Rose and Izzy Stradlin and an otherwise new band

So that's it, kids. Need more? You're in luck. The VMAs will air on MTV for the next six months. "The VMAs You Never Saw" featuring never-before-seen behind-the-scenes shenanigans will be available at Best Buy and Target along with "Now That's What I Call the 2002 VMA Awards!" And for a small fee, Carrot Top will come to your home and re-enact the whole thing, but we wouldn't advise it.

written in Athens, Georgia