ear Classmates.com,

So my high school reunion is this fall. Can you believe it's been 10 years? I know I can't, Classmates.com. But so anyway, here is the deal. My friend Stephanie and I were on your flagship reunion website just wanting to, you know, spy on and prejudge our peers without allowing them the same privilege, when we discovered that in order to do this, we had to actually fill out your demoralizing survey and sign up. Okay, fine. Stephanie did this. It didn't work, so she did it again. Only here is where it gets troublesome. Now, suddenly, Stephanie has TWO entries, which is so freaking embarrassing! She looks completely bonkers, especially since she did one entry as a joke, saying she was a godless snake owner who vacations in Vegas. I wanted to make her feel better, so I filled out an entry, only I forgot she was still logged in as Stephanie so now she has a THIRD entry. I know what you're thinking, Classmates: Sweet Jay-sus! That's what we thought. We gotta delete those suckers, my friend. We gotta delete those suckers pronto.

But while I have your attention, Classmates.com, I have a few questions/ comments about your survey. For instance, why is it that you don't ask what I do for a living and yet you give this kind of luxurious, frat-happy space to the issue of what pet I own?
1. bird
2. cat
3. dog
4. hamster
5. pig
6. turtle
7. rock
8. other (llama, oyster, etc.)

Classmates.com, are you drunk? Or are you just learning English? Because I don't see one other good excuse for this kind of idiocy.

And another thing. Although your flagship reunion website plugs itself as the best way to keep in touch with old high school friends, when I tried to email Chris Campbell (you remember Chris, right? Tall, dark hair, basketball captain), I received the following:

"You're about to get back in touch with your friend Chris Campbell! Sarah, we're glad you found a friend on Classmates. We invite you to become a Classmates Gold member and say hello to Chris or any of the other members from Highland Park High School already registered with Classmates. Imagine how happy they'll be to hear from you!"

First of all, I am not living in the padded cell where your verbiage was apparently penned. Second of all, are you telling me that in order to email Chris, I am "invited" to pay YOU $60. Hmm. Well, Classmates.com, I invite you to FUCK OFF.

Also, in response to your survey question about how much money I earn, I wanted to let you know that I make a yearly salary of one-hundred-FUCK OFFS.

Oh my gosh, I almost forgot to tell you to FUCK OFF. And please say "FUCK OFF" to your staff for me. I haven't seen them in a while.

See you at the punch bowl! (I'll be the one stabbing myself in the chest with the salad fork.)

Sincerely,
Sarah Hepola
Class of 1992