*Another semi-serious road report, this time written in the style of Esquire Magazine

Cover
Sarahhepola naked, covered in caviar, hair dripping with bourbon, sucking on banana
Cover Copy
Unnecessarily Naked Woman + Booze + Pretentious Foodstuff + Overused Phallic Symbol = OUR BEST COVER YET!

What I've Learned
by Sarah Hepola, 27, traveling across the country, interviewed in a Best Western hotel room in Hancock, Michigan

The problem with never bathing isn't so much the smell as it is the itch.

People who live in nice places tend to be nicer people.

The Drive-Thru Tree isn't really worth $4.

There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who use coupons, and those who pay for the people who use coupons. You decide which you want to be.

If you don't have to drive at night, don't drive at night.

Use public libraries. They offer free Internet service, they're staffed by people who want to work there, and they're just plain pleasant. Plus, you know, all the books.

After a long day of hiking: Bush's Baked Beans.

After Bush's Baked Beans: Sleep alone.

Hotmail rocks. The US Postal Service rocks. The Internet rocks.

Always, always, always put up the rainfly.

When in doubt, say YES.

The Thing You Have to Buy
Hot Dog Skewers
So you're camping with your boss, right? And you've got your Beaujolais in one hand and your hot dog in the other. Wait a minute. What's that? A wire hanger? For shame. The boss-man won't take too kindly to that black and bubbly weiner all flippity-flopping around, sport. Your college days are over. It's time to get a hot dog skewer (Albertson's, $2.95) to balance that bad dawg just right -- it's sharp and double-pronged, just like your ambition. Ah-ha: Now you're cookin!

Women We Love
Maureen MacDougal, Forest Service Interpreter for the USS Matanuska
We first met Maureen on the Alaskan ferry giving a lecture on the Straits called "Narrow Is the Path." Sure, we found her knowledge formidable, her delivery personable (if a little twitchy). But it wasn't until her breakout speech on the natural forces that shaped Alaska -- "A Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On" -- that our boat was officially rocked. By the time Maureen demonstrated in her "Can You Bear It?" discussion how to talk to a grizzly ("Hello grizzly. I'm a human."), we knew we'd never meet another Forest Service Interpreter like her. Our own personal Titanic had sunk. Captain, meet your iceberg.

500 Things Every Man Needs to Know About Fashion
1-500: Fuck Fashion.

Why We Love Golf
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In Next Week's Issue:
The Website Everyone Is Talking About
Sarahhepola.com
The Color Above All Colors
Blue
The War to End All Wars
World War I
The Thing She Forgot to Tell You
It hurts
The Year We Remember Like It Was Last Year
Last year
The Best Day of Your Life, Maybe
Today