*This is the second in a groundbreaking 2-part series that dramatizes exchanges with quirky employees of eccentric enterprises run by Dave Eggers. The first was posted almost a year ago today in June 2001. The second is about lard. It was written in honor of Mike Gentry because ... well, because lard.

Dave Eggers' new store at 826 Valencia is San Francisco's only Pirate Supply Store. Actually, it is a new program to help kids with their writing, but the building was zoned for retail. Thus the pirate supplies. I'm not the biggest fan of pirates, but I sometimes think I'm the biggest fan of Dave Eggers. Thus my arrival at the store. Thus my conversation with the friendly and attractive curly-haired employee, maybe 20, straightening merchandise when I arrive.

Me: [pointing to a vat] Is this lard?
Him: It is.
Me: Is it for sale?
Him: It is.
Me: How much have you sold?
Him: None yet. You could be the first.
Me: How much does lard go for these days?
Him: Make me an offer.

Items other than lard on sale at the Pirate Supply Store: Pirate flags, eye patches, glass eyes. Things on shelves, things in drawers, things behind curtains. A row of glass bottles with messages inside: "Itchy? You've got scurvy!"

Me: I think lard is underrated.
Him: Well, it's actually quite useful.
Me: You can sculpt with it.
Him: You can burn it in a candle.
Me: I didn't know that.
Him: It's like oil. It also makes a good moisturizer.
Me: You know a lot about lard.
Him: Sometimes old ladies come in and tell me about it.
Me: And yet no one ever buys it.
Him: You could be the first.
Me: Wow. It's an honor just to be nominated.

The attractive, curly-haired employee listens to The Smiths. He microwaves his lunch. He eats tiny muffins out of a Ziploc bag.

Me: How much lard can I get for 50 cents?
Him: Hmm. Depends on the container, I guess. I could dump out these muffins and put it in this bag.
Me: Are there other options?
Him: Hmm. We could use one of these little glass bottles. Only it might be hard to get the lard in.
Me: The bottle's mouth is small, huh? We can do it, though.
Him: Do you wanna do it or do you want me to?
Me: Hmm. I want you to.

At first he squeezes gently, trying to get the lard through the small hole. Later, he mashes it in. The lard is somewhere between wax and butter. The lard is like waxy butter. After a while, he gives it to me, and I start squishing the lard into the bottle. It sort of makes me gag. After a while, I hand him the bottle and he wipes it off carefully. He puts a cork in the bottle. He pulls two Kleenexes from a box and hands us each one.

I sniff my hands.
Me: Kind of an unfortunate smell, lard.
He sniffs his hands.
Him: That's how you know it's working.
They kiss.
Both: Ahoy!