*Includes the Teachings of L. Ron Hubbard

I have told these stories about Scientology so many times. I have told them at dinner parties and bars and over the phone and through email and is it possible that everyone is tiring of them but me? I don't know why I like the stories so much, I just do. Ideas pop up around them and become thesis statements: "Scientology's real coup is to recruit celebrities as mouthpieces." That was an early addition. Then I went to the Celebrity Center, saw the way Scientology was targeting not just any celebrity ("Come meet the young star of Grounded for Life!"), but wannabe celebrities. People who would do just about anything to make it, lured into the fold with promises of career advancement. Eureka! "Scientology is the new casting couch." Or if I'm feeling more dramatic: "Scientology is the modern version of selling your soul to the devil."

Sometimes, people love these stories. They're just as compelled and repulsed as I am. Sometimes, people are underwhelmed. "Scientology's bad? Boy you really ripped the lid off that thing." Often, I get stories in return. A common one is about getting tested by the Scientologists, how they tell you that you have near-genius IQ, scads of potential, if it weren't for these itty-bitty personality problems. Need help? We can help! But almost no one -- no matter their level of familiarity with the organization -- can actually tell me what a Scientologist believes.

That's why I went to the center. I told the woman I was curious about Scientology, a bit lost, searching. It's all true, actually. I told her I was unwilling to spend money, but I'd like to learn more. To her credit, she understood. She looked at me with kind eyes, she set me up in the screening room to watch a movie of introduction. In the film, a man takes you on a tour of the Scientology Center, introducing you to the books of L. Ron Hubbard, the concept of auditing (as far as I can tell, something like a lie detector test crossed with hypnosis), the levels you can attain on your way to being "Clear." It's done straight, of course, and it's a bit weird and vague, but it's not insane. I mean, maybe Scientology isn't so bad after all. It's just more wounded people, trying to heal.

That's when the host of the film looks directly at the audience. He is standing in front of stained-glass church doors, walking toward the camera. He says:

"Now, you could leave this room, and never mention Scientology again. It would be stupid, but you could do it. You could also jump off a bridge or blow your brains out. It's up to you. You can spend the next three trillion years in shivering, agonizing darkness, or you can live it in the light."
The church doors open. A word appears on the screen:
HELLO
The End.

I fled. I never went back. The investigation ended there.

(Sarahhepola will be camping for a few days on the northern coast of California. See you again around Thursday.)