am standing in line to get a badge for this conference, this conference in Austin that I will be "covering" as a freelance writer for 'The Weekly Cynical,' when I see a former colleague.
"Hey," he says.
"Hey," I say.
"I read your thingy you wrote while you were in Ecuador," he says. "I read your weblog."
"Oh thanks," I say, and although I do not say this, I am immensely flattered, because I know this guy is a good writer, the kind of bright and insightful writer that 'The Weekly Cynical' is lucky to net.
"I read what you wrote after September 11," he says, only I think he actually said 9/11. "With the postcard salesman kids."
"Oh thanks," I say, because really, I'm just flattered.
"You're a heartfelt writer," he says.
And I don't say anything.
"You write prose that is heartfelt."
And I laugh out loud (I kind of have a loud laugh), and I say, "Wow, that's condescending."
Yes, I say that.
I say that because in my head, at least, the term "heartfelt" is hanging out next-door to other backhanded compliments like "earnest" and "feel-good." I say that because maybe I think that HE will say, "No, no, that's not condescending. Heartfelt is the mark of true genius." Or no not that, but maybe I think that he will say ... well shit, I don't know what I think he will say.
But instead, he just turns back to the person he was talking to and continues another conversation, which of all things, I did not expect.
And there is this silence.
The silence is the kind of silence that maybe only I experience as really heavy, buzzing silence.
I notice how strong the flourescent lights are. They seem to make noise, to buzz.
Heartfelt?
And I wonder if this guy, this good writer guy, thought "heartfelt" was a compliment instead of the insult I took it as. Heartfelt. Nothing really wrong with that. And I wonder if he heard me say the word 'condescending,' because I kind of snorted the word when I said it. Or maybe he thought in his head, "Did she just say 'condescending'? No, surely she didn't." And I am hoping that that is what he is thinking instead of thinking what a class-A bitch I am, insulting him for reading my weblong., this lingering buzzing silence between us. Jesus Christ. And I am wondering why things slip out of my mouth, things like, "Wow, that's condescending," when what I really should just say is 'Thank you for bothering to read in the first place, I know lots of days it's crap so I really appreciate it, just that you read." Or maybe just saying, "Yes, it's heartfelt. I'm a heartfelt kinda gal," because what's so bad about that?
I'm heartfelt. My heart feels. I write about things when my heart feels. Why should that be an insult, even if this guy meant it as an insult? Even so, even if he were being smarmy -- which this guy isn't really the smarmy type -- so even if he were being smary, why don't I just embrace it? Why can't I just take it?
Hello World. I am the New Heartfelt.