ell, I started smoking again. That's the bad news.
The good news is: It's great!
How did I go without this for two months? And what was I thinking?
I am, of course, saddled with the familiar wheezing when I make my 5pm run (i.e. not a run at all) to town to buy more cigarettes. And in the mornings, my mouth tastes of ass. But what a pleasure to sit in my quiet room in the mountains, typing away on my laptop, a cigarette dangling out of my mouth, burning my eyes, staining my OUCH! Hold on a sec, I just ashed in my cleavage.
Okay, where was I? Ah yes, I wanted to explain my long absence to the two of you still reading (and Mom, don't worry about that new dress, I'm sure it looks fine.) I am in Vilcabamba, Ecuador, a lovely and remote little city about one hour from the Peruvian border, full of fine people, fresh fruit, and one criminally overpriced Internet cafe. Oh, those sons of bitches. I could KILL!
First of all, the place costs $3 an hour. That's one dollar less than my room costs per night. Second of all, trying to use the Internet there is like trying to find love at the DMV.
For example. Two days ago, I stopped by to post a new story. It had the makings of an interesting read -- my fun but eventually ill-fated tryst with an unscrupulous Ecuadorian, whom we will refer to only as "Rico Suave" from now on. After waiting 30 minutes for a seat, and after waiting 15 minutes for the screen to load, I was given something truly befitting a criminally overpriced, sons-of-bitches Internet cafe: A virus. A virus that wrecked my file and my disk, not to mention my peppy mood, so that I cannot share with my public -- my eager audience, my adoring fans, the two of you -- I cannot share the story that I am certain you would find both hilarious and heartwarming. It is gone. Just like Rico Suave (and good riddance, the lying bastard).
Not to worry. There's more where that came from. And I will not let this virus stop me. I will not let these highway robbers, this Internet monopoly, these SONS OF BITCHES have their way. I will keep writing. I will keep posting. Don't you worry.
I only ask the following: that you pay 50 cents each time you read. And please deposit it in my account straight away, as everyone knows it's better to pay as you go, rather than waiting for some humongous bill come mid-November, when everyone's so worried about Christmas and vacations and all that mess.
So. I thank you for reading.
Also, I'm doing just fine.