he People's Choice Awards is quite likely the worst awards show. Ever. Worse than the VH1 Fashion awards or even those embarrassing Blockbuster awards, when none of the winners even bothered to show up. Despite that -- all right, because of it -- I watched anyway. Garth Brooks won best male musical artist. Reba McIntire won best new actress in a comedy series (???) after performing her theme song while wearing a sequined tank top covered in the American flag. Damon Wayans read his acceptance speech off of a laptop. And the following people, said the following things, all of which made me howl:

5. The first words of host Kevin James, star of the CBS "comedy" King of Queens: "Look! Who's that in the center aisle? It's Tony Danza!"

4. The last words of host Kevin James, along with co-producer and Variety columnist Army Archerd: "Well, we've run out of time, but the nominees for Best Female Musical Artist are Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez, and Faith Hill. And the winner is Faith Hill. Goodnight, everyone!"

3. Craig T. Nelson, explaining why Jennifer Aniston had filmed an acceptance speech when the results of the People's Choice Awards are "so secret": "Jennifer Aniston couldn't be here tonight. She had a prior commitment at Sundance Film Festival. But when she heard about the possibility of winning, she wanted to film an acceptance speech on the off-chance that she might win the award."

2. Ellen Degeneres, commenting on the award show's most famous attendee: "Boy, Julia Roberts is here. I wonder if she's going to win something! Good luck, Julia!"

1. JC from N'Sync, holding his award high: "And thanks to the people! Because ... the people!"