HARACTERS:
Pipes -- five year old boy, chalk white skin, the kind you can see his veins through, like blue bolts of lightning under the skin. He may be mentally retarded or just slow or just stubborn, but he is most certainly attention deficit disorder. In fact, Pipes' ADD is so bad that people who think ADD is just the invention of lazy teachers and greedy mental health professionals should take care of Pipes for an afternoon, as they will surely rethink their assessment. Pipes is moody and remembers very little from one moment to the next. When he is excited, afraid, mad, frustrated, or sad, his voice escalates to a shrill level. That's where his nickname comes from.* For these reasons and more, Pipes sits alone at the lunch table, if you know what I mean. Actually, Pipes doesn't sit at the lunch table at all, since, due to an overall bleak state of health and one whopper of an immunodeficiency disease, he is fed through a tube inserted in his belly. The feeding bag stays inside a backpack, so that even at night when Pipes is dressed in those adorable fuzzy zip-up pyjamas with the footies, he wears a backpack. Pipes is a sweet kid, but a real pain in the ass.
Disgruntled Childcare Worker -- underpaid, undervalued, undereducated. Not so much a bad person as a tired person. Possibly hungover, fighting with boyfriend, late with rent, etc. In all fairness, she shouldn't be taking care of Pipes at all. Pipes should have a nurse. But that nurse has called in sick or skipped work or gone on vacation, so that this DCW now has a roomful of kids plus one sweet-but-pain-in-the-ass Pipes.

Scene 1. Afternoon. Living Room.
Pipes Has a Question
Disgruntled Childcare Worker: So anyway, I called 911 on his ass because screw that, he ain't gonna say sh- I mean stuff like that to me in my own home.
Pipes: Hey, I have a question.
DCW: Just a minute, Pipes.
Pipes: Hey, you, Mom, lady. I have a question.
[Pipes taps the thigh of the Disgruntled Childcare Worker. When that doesn't work, Pipes tugs on the pants of the Disgruntled Childcare Worker. When that doesn't work, he slaps her thigh, with increasing panic.]
DCW: (flicking Pipes' hand away) Cut it out, Pipes. I said 'just a minute.' But you know what I'm saying, girl? Only I didn't think they'd take him to jail. I mean fu-, I mean heck.
[Pipes stamps his foot. His voice grows shrill.]
Pipes: Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey! HEY! HEEEY!
[Pipes pinches the thigh of the DCW as hard as he can. The DCW suddenly and without warning loses her proverbial shit.]
DCW: All right, Pipes, that's enough! Go to time out.
[DCW points threateningly to the small wooden chair in the corner.]
Pipes: But I have a question.
DCW: Get over there NOW!
Pipes: Hey I--
DCW: NOW!
[Pipes sits down in small wooden chair for five minutes. DCW, feeling more than slightly shamed by her own outburst, takes a deep breath and walks over to speak with Pipes, smoothing his hair down as she speaks.]
DCW: Okay, Pipes, do you know why I asked you to sit in time out?
Pipes: Yes. I'm sorry.
DCW: I don't like it when you do that.
Pipes. I know. I'm sorry. Are you leaving now?
DCW: No, I'm not leaving. Can you tell me why you're in time out?
Pipes: I won't do it again. I'm sorry.
DCW: Tell me why you're here. Tell me what you did wrong.
Pipes: I -- I had a question.

Scene 2. Early Evening. Bathroom.
Pipes Hates Those Baths
DCW: Okay, Pipes, now sit on your bottom and I'm gonna rinse off your hair.
Pipes: No. Noooo.
DCW: It's okay, sweetie. Just relax.
Pipes: I have to go to the bathroom.
DCW: In a minute.
Pipes: I gotta go real bad. I gotta goooooo.
DCW: It'll just take a second.
Pipes: The water is hot! It's burning me! It's burning me!
[DCW sprays Pipes' head with hand-held shower rinser thingy.]
Pipes: STOOOOOP! YEOOOOOOW! You're killing me! You're killing me! YOU'RE KILLING MEEEEEEEE!
[The blood-curdling cries can be heard outside on the sidewalk. It does not look good for anyone.]

Scene 3. Still Early Evening, Like 7ish. Living Room.
Pipes Makes Everyone Laugh, Part 1
DCW: Hey, Pipes, do that thing.
[Pipes smiles, showing his gapped teeth, nubby and malformed from disease and disuse.]
DCW: Do that redrum thing.
[Pipes tilts his head coyly.]
DCW: C'mon Pipes.
[Pipes holds up his right index finger and makes his voice scratchy. A perfect imitation.]
Pipes: REDRUM. REDRUM.
[Squeals of laughter.]
DCW: Oh my God, you are such a freak.
[Pipes smiles big and claps his hands.]
Pipes: Yea, Pipes!

Scene 4. Still Early Evening, Like 8ish. Playroom.
Pipes Makes Everyone Laugh, Part 2
DCW: Pipes, do that thing.
[Pipes smiles, showing his gapped teeth, nubby and malformed from disease and disuse.]
DCW: Do that dance thing.
[Pipes plays it coy.]
DCW: C'mon Pipes.
[Pipes slaps his bottom repeatedly.]
Pipes: Oooh, spank my booty.
[Squeals of laughter.]
DCW: That kid is a freak.
[Pipes smiles big and claps his hands.]
Everyone: Yea, Pipes!

Last Scene. 8:30pm. Pipes' Bedroom.
Pipes Goes to Bed
Note: The bed is more like a cage -- half metal, half plastic, all surving the same purpose of preventing escape. Preventing Pipes' escape as well as the escape of any communicable nasties he might have. Sometimes at night, if he's still awake, he yells out to people as they pass his room.
Pipes: Will you rock me?
DCW: Not now, honey. I'll come in later.
Pipes: Hey, will you rock me?
DCW: Later, Pipes. Just rest for now.
Pipes: Just rock me. Rock me, rock me.
DCW: I'll see you in a little bit, sweetie.
Pipes: Rock me! Rock me! Rock meeeeeee!
[DCW returns, 10 minutes later.
Pipes is asleep.]

THE END

*Truth be told, Pipes is a nickname given to yours truly after a high-voltage performance at a karaoke party . Props to friend JR for supplying that. As always, names and facts are changed for confidentiality purposes.