he following questions come from someone who identifies himself merely as Meester "Horno" Hornindale. I don't understand either.

1. Are you now, or have you ever been, on the payroll of Enron? If so, what were your duties and what, specifically, was your compensation? Did you disclose this relationship to your employers? How has this relationship affected your coverage of Enron?
I've received a handful of questions about Enron, and since I can feel this story leaking, I'd like to bud-nip it right now. Yes, I have made a fucking fortune on the payroll of Enron. Recently, I worked on one of their "top-secret" satellite projects, the Enron-based "foster home for children with AIDS." Of course, for security reasons we've done some stealthy name-changing. So for instance, when I say "foster home" I mean "Enron tax scam" and when I write about "babies without brains" I am actually referring to "Kenneth Lay" and when I write that I have received "a handful of questions" I really mean "two" and when I say that "I have made a fucking fortune" I actually mean "Can I borrow $10? I am broke as balls." But when I write "Can I borrow $10?" that is actually what I mean. That part is the truth.

2. Will you put up a picture of yourself in Saran Wrap?
Ummm, no. Although the first time I read this, I thought it said, "Will you put a picture of yourself in Saran Wrap?" and I was like, "Well good God, why not? What's the damage in putting a picture of myself in cling wrap?" But then I re-read the question, and realized that actually I was the thing to be put in cling wrap and I thought, "Ewww. Gross." So anyway, no. No no no. Okay, maybe.

3. You state: "I expect I will cave in at least once and book a room at the Days Inn." The phrase "cave in" implies that staying at the Days Inn is some kind of shameful indulgence. Do you crave Days Inn? Is this why you are making such a fuss about the AA chapter of Infinite Jest?
Yeeeeesss.

4. Michael Jackson recently reported that a love song on his new album was inspired by a really great water balloon fight with some boys in Germany. What, if anything, would you be inspired to create after a really great water balloon fight with some boys in Germany?
Well, a night of lovemaking so sweet it hurt, obviously. And then a nice smoked turkey sandwich with a slice of Baby Swiss and a generous squeeze of French's mustard. Goddamn, I love that sandwich!

5. Please do not use the generic "cling wrap," aluminum foil, or anything else other than the authentic Saran Wrap.
Comprende that, Hornster.