s a single woman, I find it rather odd, even embarrassing, when someone gives me a Valentine's Day present. I know people do this to be nice, or to show affection, but it always seems to say the wrong thing, whether it's coming from a guy friend (subtext: Well, if I had a girlfriend, you wouldn't get shit, but since you're the next best thing, take this) or a girl friend (subtext: Well, if I had a boyfriend, etc.) or, even worse, when it comes from a couple (subtext: We wish you were superhappy and having lots of sex like us, but since you're not, take this.) The truth is that I like being single, that I'm glad I can avoid the awful anticipation brought on by most hideously commercial holidays, the anticipation inevitably crushed when, for example, your serious high school boyfriend comes over with an 18-pack of Coors Light as your Valentine's Day present, as if nothing expresses his love like the Silver Bullet, as if the extra six beers make it a "Special Occasion." Aww, but hell, I don't want to gripe about Valentine's Day. That is so Nowhere. Look, I love love. Why am I being all Sour Grapes about getting a present. If you wanna give me a present, I'll take a present. In fact, Valentine's or no Valentine's, you should give me a present. I'll be honest: Sarahhepola.com likes her some gifties. So here, I've compiled a list of presents, suitable for for the Sarah Hepola in your life.

1. Fog machine.
2. Year-round use of private jet filled with male celebrities of my choosing.
3. Large, spinning wheel a la "The Price Is Right"
4. Shiny, sparkly things.
5. You know the thing, I think they sell it at Spencer's in the mall, the thing that's like a big orb with electricity inside, and when you touch the orb in one spot, the electricity clusters there so it looks like your hand is shooting out purple and blue lightning bolts? That thing.
6. Bubbles.
7. $500. Well, okay, $10,000. Well, okay, a million dollars. Well, okay, a million dollars and also a private jet filled with male celebrities of my choosing. No. $500 is fine. $500 would be great.
8. Child-size pool filled with Jell-O (preferably cherry).
9. Long-distance phone cards
10. Love, love, love (alternately, an 18-pack of Coors Light will do the trick)

Happy Valentine's Day.