s many of you know, I'm the music editor for the Dallas Observer. It’s a lovely gig, actually, full of surprises and rewards and, let’s be honest, free stuff. But sometimes, a gift touches you so much you feel compelled to share it with the world. And if the world is too busy, 15 people will suffice.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a negative article about a music festival in town that featured a band called Strangleweed. No need to rehash the specifics but to say that my criticism of said band was negative—I indirectly called them a “goddamn insult,” which is generous, given that their lead singer is named *starchild* (asterisks are his).

Strangleweed, bless their hearts, took this in good stride. They made spoofs of my likeness (“The Dallas Un-Observer” one satire read) and, in a tremendous show of good sportsmanship and randomness, sent an ivy plant to my office along with a card, signed by each member, with an offer of the following: “8x10 posters available for your dartboard.” For a minute, I thought I was in love.

But Strangleweed fans have not near the class or humor. Soon angry letters to the editor appeared, along with messages in my MySpace inbox—“u can choke on it,” etc. etc. I'm not complaining; I expected it. But no one has reached the sheer gravitas of the following. I offer you, in uncensored form, the best missive I have ever received in all caps. Enjoy.

HI DICK LICKER,
YOUR ARTICLE ABOUT STRANGLEWEED WAS ABSOLUTELLY WRONG AND DIS-TASTEFULL ON YOUR BEHALF. I GIVE YOU CREDIT YOU CAN RIGHT VERY WELL, BUT SOME ADVISE TO YOU WRITE ABOUT SOMETHING YOU KNOW ABOUT, IF YOU CAN'T THEN GO WRITE CHILDRENS FICTIONAL NOVELS, I THINK YOU'LL KEEP READERS THAT WAY...... HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT FUCKED UP DAY...OH AND BY THE WAY DON'T USE GODS NAME IN VAIN THATS NOT NICE, PEOPLE GO TO HELL FOR THAT.......

Isn’t that lovely? Well, I'm off to write some more childrens fictional novels. Have a great fucked-up day!